Mrs. Larson?
It, uh...
It won't be much Ionger, Mrs. Larson.
WeII, is he in a Iot of pain?
No. No, no. There wiII be No more pain for your husband.
He's heavily sedated.
OK. I think I'm gonna go send IittIe HaI in now.
No. No, no. I don't think that's such a good idea.
With aII the pain kiIIers, uh...
the reverend's not exactIy himseIf.
Look, I think my boy has a right to say goodbye to his father.
I mean, the man means everything in the worId to him.
WeII... your caII.
Nurse?
Yes, Reverend Larson?
- Did you see the cowboy? - The cowboy?
The cowboy who gave me the singing nickeI in Pudding Town?
OK. I think it's time to turn down the morphine drip.
Reverend Larson, your son is here.
OK, sure. Send her in.
Ladies? A IittIe privacy.
(wheezy coughing)
Dad?
It's me, Dad. HaI.
Oh.
GIad you're here, kiddo. Got a few things to teII ya.
First, I want you to promise that no matter what you do in Iife,
you wiII never ever settIe for average.
Yes, sir.
Second, don't be satisfied with routine poontang.
Huh?
Don't do what I did.
I married for Iove, and your mother Betty has been a nightmare.
But, Dad, Mom's name is Marian.
Listen to me. I'm giving you pearIs here.
And third, find yourseIf...
a cIassic beauty...
with a perfect can... and great totties.
That wiII put you in good stead with the Lord. It's aII in here.
Yes, sir.
Hot young taiI's what it's aII about.
Hot... young... taiI.
I'II make you proud, Papa.
(* ''Members Only'' by Sheryl Crow)
* Uncle Larry's hooked on ice again
* He seems to be stuck in the '80s
* He wears his Members Only jacket
* Cos he thinks it turns on all the ladies
* And all the white folks shake their asses
* Looking for the two and four
* l'll have mine in martini glasses
* Cos l can't take it any more
* These are the days of empty kitchens
* The rise and fall of Mary Ellen's hair do...
Jackass, can you not hear me down there?
I don't want anything to do with you, you IittIe warthog.
You had me at ''Get Iost''.
- What's up, Mauricio? - Hey, HaI.
- How's the crowd tonight? - Good. I got a few bites.
- Can I get you a drink? - I won't say no to that.
Two beers.
- Two Buds? - Two Buds.
So, I didn't expect to see you here. Where's your new girI Loni?
- Lindy. - Lindy.
- She's, uh... - (bartender) There you go.
ActuaIIy, I didn't teII her I was goin' out tonight.
Why not? Things OK with you guys?
Yeah, a IittIe too OK, if you know what I'm taIkin' about.
- What does that mean? - Things are going in the shitter reaI quick.
Jeez, I'm sorry to hear that. Why is she dumping you?
- She's not. I'm dumping her. - You're dumping Loni?
- Lindy. - What, are you crazy? Lindy's gorgeous.
On the surface, but when you get to know her better, there's a whoIe other story goin' on.
Yeah? How goes that?
We're sitting there, you know, and she's got her bare... feet up on the couch,
and I notice that her second toe is, Iike, haIf an inch Ionger than her big toe.
- That's it? You're breaking up over that? - Hey, I don't need that circus shit.
WeII, couIdn't she get the toe fiIed down or something?
What, then I'm dating a nub?
I'm starting to think we're jinxed here.
- Speak for yourseIf, my friend. - What, you got the promotion?
I don't hear tiII tomorrow, but guess who is now officiaIIy going out with JiII.
JiII?! Your neighbour JiII? You're going out with JiII, your neighbour?
And she doesn't exactIy hate me.
Get out!
You are the Iuckiest man on the pIanet. So what are you doing here?
She's hostessing untiI 11. I better get going.
I'm gonna try to catch her on the way home, see if she wants to get a drink.
If I know you, that's not aII she'II be gettin'.
See you Iater.
- I said no. - No? Why not?
I don't wanna have a drink with you. I wanna go home. Is that so hard to understand?
- What's goin' on? Are you mad? - No, I'm not mad. I just...
Go on, say it. You know what? No matter what it is, we're gonna work it out.
HaI, I'm not attracted to you.
So what? You think everyone who goes out is attracted to each other? Get reaI.
They're attracted to each other in the beginning.
Oh, come on. That sounds Iike a bunch of New Age hooey.
Maybe for some peopIe there's a IittIe spark in the beginning,
but for most, the attraction part happens way Iater. Whoa!
What? That's it? Just Iike that, we're breaking up?
WeII, we were never going out. We just had one date.
Come on. Hey, Iet's stay together five days. That's aII I need.
- Why do you need five days? - Tomorrow I'm finaIIy getting my promotion.
There's gonna be parties, dinners, this, that. I need you now.
HaI, you're gonna be so busy, you won't even think about me.
How am I not gonna think about you? You Iive right across the haII.
I don't know, HaI. Maybe... maybe you shouId think about moving.
HaI, we've made a decision regarding that whoIesaIer position.
Yes! It's about time, Dave.
We decided to go with the gaI from MerriII.
She's a proven entity. A big producer.
- I'm sorry, man. - No, it's...
The gaI's a proven entity. What the heck you gonna do?
- HaI, I'm so sorry. - Yeah, thanks.
- You shouId have gotten it. You deserved it. - No, I didn't.
I didn't put them in a position where they had to promote me or Iose me.
It's a good Iesson. Make yourseIf indispensabIe, that's the key.
And to make matters worse, JiII dumped me Iast night.
Dumped you? Don't you have to be going out to get dumped?
- What does that mean? - WeII, I just thought it was more of a...
Anyway, why do you care so much? JiII wasn't right for you and you know it.
How can you say that? She was perfect.
When are you gonna get it? They're just weII-formed moIecuIes.
And by the way, her tits weren't even reaI.
WeII, I couId squeeze 'em. That's reaI enough for me.
HaI, I don't understand how a guy
who's as nice and IoyaI and generous as you couId have such a huge fIaw.
What are you taIking about?
It never occurred to you that picking girIs on their Iooks may not be the best way?
Am I supposed to apoIogise for having high standards?
High standards? In the five years I've known you, every woman -
I shouId say girI - you've gone after has been compIeteIy out of your Ieague.
- What's that supposed to mean? - She doesn't mean anything by it.
She's just saying you're not that good-Iooking.
Oh! I thought she was impIying something reaIIy mean.
No.
Hey, it's you. You're the TV guru guy.
- Yes, Tony Robbins. PIeased to meet you. - Yeah! Oh, man!
So, wow! You gave advice to what chama caII it.
- President CIinton? MandeIa? - No, no, no.
- Gorbachev? - No, no. PameIa Anderson.
Right? Yeah! Give me another handshake.
Wow! Man, Iook at those mitts! It's Iike grabbing a bunch of bananas.
And those dogs. How big are those?
- Size 16, buddy. - HoIy cannoIi.
- So you must do pretty good with the Iadies. - Just one.
- ReaIIy? - Yeah.
(chuckles)
She sounds hot!
- She is an amazing Iady. - I bet.
- So, what are you doin' in my town? - We're doing a seminar here.
I heIp peopIe to deaI with the chaIIenges in Iife with more dignity and courage.
That's my deaI, is the courage. I try to...
Hang on a second. Buddy, hang on. The eIevator just stopped. That's weird.
- Man, yeah. So what do we...? - Hang on.
- Are you OK? I'm fine. - You OK?
Yeah, yeah. It's just I feeI a IittIe Iight-headed.
Then she dumped me. FIat out. Without even the courtesy of a severance pop.
- A severance pop? - You know, one Iast...
To ease the pain. The nice ones'II sometimes throw you that.
It sounds Iike you've had some odd reIationships.
Yeah. See, the probIem is I'm kinda picky.
- What do you mean, ''picky''? - WeII, for instance, I Iike 'em reaI young.
Like, did you ever see PauIina in her first Sports lllustrated Iayout?
- You're Iooking for a young PauIina type? - That face, but with better headIights.
You know how hers have kind of dimmed IateIy?
Heidi KIum's beams wouId do. And her teeth.
Or that Britney Spears girI. She's got great knockers.
But she's a tad muscuIar.
ActuaIIy, you know what? Her ass wouId do, too, if she had a better griIIe.
Like MicheIIe Pfeiffer back when she did Grease 2.
But she'd have to be a IittIe smiIier than MicheIIe.
Like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, before she got Stamosed.
But not as skinny. Someone meatier, Iike Heidi, but without the accent.
You know those accents: yah-yah-yah-yah.
They reaIIy get oId fast. You know what I'm saying. Someone Iike that.
Don't you think you're being a IittIe bit shaIIow in the way you Iook at women?
WeII, no. I mean, you know, I'd Iike her to be into cuIture and shit, too.
OK, hypotheticaI situation.
Which do you prefer, a girIfriend missing one breast or haIf a brain?
Ooh, toughie. That's a toughie.
How's the remaining breast? Is it big?
- How's your reIationship with your parents? - ExceIIent. I mean, my mom's hiIarious.
She goIfs every afternoon.
ActuaIIy, I don't reaIIy remember my dad. He died when I was nine, so...
If you were nine, you shouId remember a Iot.
Yeah, but I don't.
My mom thinks I might have been a IittIe traumatised by the whoIe thing.
Anyway, aII I remember is, he was great.
He was a great guy, and I reaIIy Ioved him, but...
I'm sorry you Iost him. Hey, Iisten, I know you got a great heart.
You're just fixated on the outside appearances of peopIe.
- HaI Larson, I'm gonna do you a great favour. - ReaIIy?
This is how it'II work. From this moment on, whenever you meet someone in the future,
you're onIy gonna see what's inside them.
So you'II respond to that, because that, my friend, is where the true beauty Iies.
OK, Tony, I think you're getting a IittIe cabin fever.
HoId on. What if I toId you by doing this,
you couId have the most beautifuI women in the worId and they'd want you?
- Is this Iike what you do in your seminars? - No, no, this is very speciaI.
This is just between you and me. Let's get up and I'II show you what to do.
Now, you got a pattern of Iooking at women and judging them by the exterior.
We gotta break that pattern. So has there been a time
when you were especiaIIy shaIIow with a woman, where you thought you were better?
- AII the time. - AII the time.
Is there one specific time where you were reaIIy shaIIow?
- Oh, yeah, I got one. - Think about that.
DeviIs, come out!
- What the heII are you doin', banana hands? - Just hang on.
- We gotta joIt your nervous system. - Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.
It's not just taIking about it. Here's what I want you to do. Just reIax for a moment.
- I won't do that again. - I didn't mean the ''banana hands'' thing.
CIose your eyes. Just reIax. And I want you to imagine that you're on a beach.
It's a warm day and the sun is just starting to set.
And you're Iooking in the eyes of a woman, and you're feeIing her heart.
You're seeing her souI.
You're feeIing her spirit.
That's it. That's it.
ExceIIent. ExceIIent.
Taxi!
Oh.
I'm sorry. I... I thought that...
No, it's my fauIt. I didn't see you. This is your cab. I'm gonna get the next cab.
- OK. - AII right.
Look, I'm just... I'm just headed over to the East Side.
- Do you wanna share, or...? - Yeah!
Yeah, Iet's take this one. So, awesome. Thank you. Terrific.
- Where to? - East Side PIaza for me, pIease.
Likewise.
- What? - Oh. Huh? Sorry. I just...
I mean, yeah, you're... you're reaIIy pretty.
Yeah, right. Jeez, is everybody in this city so fIattering?
I figured you weren't from around here. Where you from?
- Boston. - Bean Town.
The musicaI fruit.
The more you eat, the more you... toot.
So, are you here on a shoot or something?
- A shoot? - I mean, you must be a modeI, right?
My grandmother's not doing so weII, so I took a year off from schooI to heIp her out.
Oh. HeIping granny. CooI.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
Bye.
So, nice catchin' up.
Listen, um... I know you'II probabIy think I'm some kind of wacko for asking, but, um...
What?
WeII, whiIe you're here in town, I mean, you know...
If you ever feeI Iike taking a break from hangin' out with your oId sick granny,
you know, we couId...
- Sure. I mean... - ReaIIy?
Are you kidding? Yeah! That'd be...
I wouId absoIuteIy Iove to, if...
OK, yeah. I shouId get your number, then.
No, no. I'II get yours, because it wouId...
- With my Iuck, you'II Iose mine, so... - Oh. I get it.
Very funny. You got me. That was... No, that was good.
You couId've just said no, but you went the extra miIe. That was harsh.
- I don't need this shit. - Uh...
What?
- I... I do want your number. - Oh, I'm sorry!
I don't know what... That was dumb. I was saying something...
I thought you meant... Never mind. Yes. Yes.
Here's my phone number, and here's my emaiI.
- EmaiI. That's... - Yeah. That's funny.
- (Mauricio) Hello? - MudwhistIe, get dressed. We're goin' out.
(* ''Roy's Toy'' byJeffBeck)
This Robbins guy gave you free therapy whiIe you were in the eIevator?
Yeah. And then - check this out -
he does this thing to me where he makes it so I can score better with the Iadies.
At the time I thought it was a joke.
But this afternoon, the first beautifuI woman I saw went for me.
- CouId be coincidence. - Yeah, but no. This was different.
It was Iike she went crazy for me or something.
I think maybe taIking to him heIped my confidence, cos I do feeI more confident.
Shit. Look who's here.
What's the matter? You have a probIem with WaIt?
- You don't? - No. Why wouId I?
- Don't you just get sick of it sometimes? - Sick of what?
The whoIe ''I waIk on aII fours so I own the worId'' thing.
PIus aII that phoney seIf-deprecating crap.
Jeez... Give the guy a break! He's got spina bifida!
- He's just pIaying the hand he was deaIt. - Yeah. Here he comes.
- There's a coupIe of beIt buckIes I recognise. - Hey, WaIt. How you doin'?
Do I Iook Iike I have anything to compIain about?
Not if you don't mind bunions on your knuckIes.
I gotta go to the can.
- Hey, man, good to see ya. - Good to see you.
- How you been? - Good.
There's a pair of panties I recognise. How ya doing, Deb?
OK, wise guy, what's it gonna be?
- How about a bottIe of Dom for my buddy? - Another? OK, you got it.
- And keep 'em coming. - What's the occasion?
- You don't read the business section? - What did I miss?
- I soId my company to Microsoft. - Yeah? And you cIeaned up?
WeII, if I had an ass, I'd wipe it with twenties.
AII right! CongratuIations!
I'm officiaIIy retired and on the prowI.
- Hey, WaIt. - Hey, SaIIy.
I got a Ieash. WouId you Iike to take me for a waIk?
Come on, boy.
Catch ya Iater.
Hi.
- HaI. - I'm BeIIa.
- So, what's up? - Nothing.
- My friends are aII out on the dance fIoor. - Yeah?
- How come you're not spanking the pIanks? - Spanking the pIanks! (snorts)
Are they your roommates, or...?
No, we work together at the Foundation Fighting BIindness.
- CooI. I used to know a deaf guy. - (snorts)
- Do you wanna dance? - Yes!
AII right.
(* ''Too Young'' byPhoenix)
* Baby, when l saw you turning at the end of the street
* l knew a time was gone and it took me like ages
* Just to understand that l was afraid to be a simple guy
* l tried my best to smile
* But deep inside my heart
* l felt it was shouting like a crowd dancing
* l guess l couldn't live without the things
* That made my life what it is
* Can't you hear me calling?
* Ooh, yeah
* Everybody's dancing
* Ooh, yeah
* Tonight everything is over
What in the name of aII that is hoIy...?
* l can't lie on my bed without thinking l was wrong
* But when that feeling calls...
- Do you need heIp? - What? Come on!
* Night-time won't hold me in your arms again
* l got a very good friend who says
* He can't believe the love l give
* ls not enough to end your fears
* l guess l couldn't live without the things
* That made my life what it is
HaI?
It's ten o'cIock. We gotta go.
- What are you taIking about? - HaI, we gotta go... do that thing.
- You know, at the pIace. - What thing?
Hey, sorry, Iadies. I gotta steaI your dance partner here.
- What are you doing?! - I am rescuing you.
- From what? - From what?!
From a pack of stampeding buffaIo, that's from what!
Come join us. I'm goin' after the redhead. You can have your pick of the other two.
You mean you get the hyena, and I choose between the hippo and the giraffe?
Don't be intimidated, man. They don't bite. Let's go! I'm gettin' back in there.
Hey... go nuts.
* Tonight everything is over
* l feel too young
Hey, JiII.
* Everybody's shaking...
Mauricio, it's HaI. Pick it up.
Look, man, I don't know what the heII was the matter with you Iast night.
First you wouIdn't dance with the hotties,
and then we go to the IHOP, and those hotties are even hotter, and you disappear!
Oh, my...
I gotta caII you back. Something came up.
(* ''Toxic Girl'' by Kings of Convenience)
* ln the sky the birds are pulling rain
* ln your life a curse has gota name
BuiIding a parachute?
- Excuse me? - They're a IittIe big, aren't they?
Oh, I get it. You ripped the spinnaker on your saiIboat, right?
Sorry. It seemed so funny seeing someone Iike you hoIding up a pair of oId-Iady trou.
Someone Iike me?
Yeah. You know, someone so fit.
You are a jackass.
Miss, pIease. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you.
Hey, unibrow, why don't you doubIe your dosage and Ieave me aIone?
Whoa, whoa. Let's start over. Look, that was reaIIy dumb of me.
You were probabIy buying 'em for someone cIose to you, and I insuIted them.
However you took it, I want you to know I didn't mean to piss you off.
I wanted to meet you, and I guess...
I guess I'm not reaI smooth sometimes.
Let me make it up to you.
Excuse me, Miss. Is everything aII right?
So, um... what do you do for a Iiving, Rosemary?
I'm actuaIIy voIunteering at the hospitaI right now,
cos I'm waiting for this... re-up thing to come through.
Re-up? What, are you in the army?
- Peace Corps. - Peace Corps. Wow.
That's very... aItrudocious of you.
''AItrudocious''? That's not a word.
Oh! You mean humanidocious, right?
(chuckles)
- Yeah. That's the one. - AII right. Ready to order?
Yeah. Um...
Can I get a doubIe pizza burger, chiIIi fries with cheese and a Iarge chocoIate miIkshake?
NiceIy done. I'II have the exact same thing.
You got it.
I am impressed. It's nice to see a girI order a reaI meaI.
I hate it when you guys order a gIass of water and a crouton.
It ruins the whoIe point of goin' out.
That's probabIy what I shouId be ordering.
But, I don't know, no matter what I eat, my weight just seems to stay the same.
So I figure, what the heII? I'm gonna eat what I want.
TotaIIy. If you can get away with it, more power to ya.
- Don't be a smart ass. - What are you...? What?
No, I'm just saying, you know.
I feeI bad for peopIe who count caIories. It's no way to Iive.
Yeah. But in return they get to be a Iot thinner than I am.
Are you out of your mind? What do you weigh? 110, 115 pounds?
Which one of my butt cheeks are you taIking about?
OK.
Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Trust me, whatever you're doin', it's working. It is working.
Go on.
Oh, my God! Are you OK?
Oops.
- Goddang it. - Don't move. Is your back aII right?
- Yeah. - Is she aII right?
Yeah. You gotta get some decent chairs in here, man.
What's this shit made out of, anyway?
SteeI.
Yeah? WeII, you shouId... get it weIded better in the corners!
- AII right. - Rosemary, you sure you're OK?
Yeah. I'm a IittIe embarrassed but... it's happened before, it'II happen again.
Oh, man. I...
Don't be embarrassed. Listen, I beef it. Everybody beefs it.
Looks Iike we're too Iate. The food's probabIy aII gone.
- Listen, can you wait here one second? - HaI, just Iet it go.
Nah. Nah.
HaI.
(mock laughter)
You guys are so funny, making fun of me cos I'm a IittIe pudgy, right?
- No, I wasn't making fun of you. I was... - Do me a favour. Take a Iook out the window.
You see that IittIe fox out there? You see that IittIe number? She's with me.
If you took aII the women you two have ever gone out with, they wouIdn't equaI one of her.
- We're not arguing that. - No.
That's right. Laugh it up, feIIas.
And tonight, when you're hugging your piIIow, remember, I'm with her.
AII right? That's it.
What happened?
WeII, Iet's just say the score's HaI two, maII rats zero.
Let me waIk you to your car.
- WeII, thanks for Iunch, HaI. - My pIeasure, Rosie.
- My mother caIIs me Rosie. - ReaIIy?
Yeah.
GentIemen, can I interest you in some chiIIi fries and haIf a burger?
There's a Iot Ieft cos the IittIe guy couIdn't finish his meaI.
- Hey, hey. - Pussy.
- That was nice of you. - WeII, you're aII right in my book, too, HaI.
- Can I have your number? - What number?
Your PIN number. I want your money(!)
Your phone number. What do you think?
Why?
You know, to... go out. Maybe, Iike, tomorrow.
Uh...
WeII, yeah.
I mean, sure. It's in the book under Rosemary Shanahan.
- I can write it down. It's S-h-a... - No, I'II remember it.
- My boss's name is Steve Shanahan. - That's my father's name.
Not JPS Steve Shanahan?
Yeah. Yeah.
Your father is my boss. I mean, not my boss, but he's my boss's boss.
I mean, I don't know him, but I see him around the office.
WeII, then you won't forget my name.
- HaI? - Yeah?
If I don't hear from you... I appreciate everything anyway.
Cuckoo!
You sure you don't want a dog?
Yeah, yeah. I'm tryin' to Iose a coupIe of LBs.
- Since when do you care about your gut? - I don't reaIIy, but...
I am a IittIe nervous because of this girI who's coming to meet me.
- She's incredibIe. - Uh-huh?
Like the ones on the dance fIoor?
Even better, buddy. I'm teIIing ya, it's aImost beyond beIief.
She's funny, she's smart, she teaches seIf-esteem to sick kids...
I wouId never beIieve a girI as beautifuI couId have such a great personaIity.
- UgIy-duckIing syndrome. - What?
She probabIy wasn't pretty tiII high schooI. The personaIity deveIoped out of necessity.
You know what? I bet you're right. She's way too pretty to be so nice.
Sometimes they're ugIy so Iong, when they turn pretty, they don't reaIise it.
The ugIy seIf-image is so weII ingrained. That's a reaI find.
- Hey! - Hey!
I've been Iooking for you.
Oh, shit. Oh, it's Lindy. The girI with the toe.
- Hey. - How ya doing?
Good. Did you get my message?
No, no. My phone machine's not reaIIy working there. Did you caII?
- I got tickets for that BeatIes reunion. - The BeatIes?
Yeah. WeII, not the reaI BeatIes, but PauI, George and Ringo wiII be there.
But Eric CIapton is fiIIing in for John. It's an invitation-onIy acoustic set.
- OnIy about 70 peopIe, tops. - Oh, man.
- So you're in? - Uh...
No. Not a CIapton fan.
I think I'II pass.
OK. WeII, I guess I'II see ya.
- Yeah, yeah. - Bye, Lindy.
- Did you see the toe? - Mauricio, I gotta teII you, you got issues.
- Don't even get me started. - Oh, my God. There she is.
There's Rosemary.
- Where? - Right there.
- Right where? - Straight ahead. Across the fieId.
- Is she behind the rhino? - She's right there!
Mauricio, I want you to meet someone.
This is Rosemary Shanahan. Rosemary, Mauricio WiIson.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
HoIy cow. I mean, uh... hi.
- Is that a Members OnIy jacket? - Yes. Yes, it is.
So, what are you, Iike, the Iast member?
Oh, man.
- One-nothing Rosemary. - (mobile phone)
Excuse me for just one second. HeIIo?
Oh, hi, Mom. Yeah, hoId on.
- WiII you guys excuse me? - Want something from the snack bar?
Yeah, get me a beer and nachos with aII the stuff on it.
You got it.
- Does she take the cake or what? - She takes the whoIe bakery, HaI.
- I toId you. - Yes, you did. And yet I wasn't prepared.
- So, what are you up for? - I don't know. I Iike the track.
Ah, so she's a gambIer.
Yeah, weII, just the dogs.
I hate the ponies. There's too much human invoIvement, you know?
You can't trust peopIe If you're Iooking for a fair deaI.
- What about you? Do you gambIe? - No, not reaIIy.
I bet on pro footbaII now and then, But just to make the games more exciting.
- I don't reaIIy care if I win. - Huh.
- I've never read that book. - What book?
Things Losers Say.
(Rosemary chuckles)
Hey, why don't we forget the track, and I'II introduce you to some good friends of mine?
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- AII right. - What do you say?
- I say OK. - You say OK?
Hi, guys. I want you to meet a very good friend of mine. OK?
This guy here is HaI. And he's reaIIy funny.
Hi.
How ya doing? Good to meet ya.
Hey. Wow. Oh, my God. Look at that face.
She shouId be doing KeebIer commerciaIs. You're the cutest thing I've ever seen.
- What's your name, beautifuI? - Cadence.
Cadence. That's a pretty name. You know, my uncIe's name is Cadence.
WeII, I got news for you, Cadence.
I'm not putting you down untiI the cows come home.
Put her down.
The cow came home.
What is he doing here? These aren't visiting hours.
Oh, Nurse PeeIer, we were just coming by to say hi to the kids.
Fine. Pack it up.
And get these patients back in their beds.
(pager beeps)
- ShouId we get going? - Don't pay any attention to Nurse Sourpuss.
Sourpuss.
Hey! I got an idea. Do you guys wanna pIay the kissing game?
- Yeah? - You want me to go get a bottIe?
This is how we pIay. Wanna get the Iipstick?
- Get Iipstick. - Yeah, OK.
What we do is, we put on the Iipstick...
and then the kisser kisses as many times as they can untiI the Iipstick comes off.
CooI! I wanna go first.
- Then I'm going Iast. - Jesse.
- Hey, they don't have anything I can catch? - They don't have anything you can catch.
I didn't think so. You guys don't even Iook sick.
You're just a bunch of phoneys Iike my UncIe Cadence.
I bet you're here just so you can get out of schooI. Is that right?
- Yeah. - Give me some of that Iipstick.
You were incredibIe in there. You were. You were so amazing.
I'm serious. A Iot of peopIe get reaIIy squeamish in that situation...
- Rosemary? Is that you? - Dr Sayed! How's it going?
- Good. Who's this? - This is my friend HaI.
- Good to meet you. - Be nice to her. She's a good girI.
- AII right. - Bye, Rosemary.
That's what these kids need -
a stranger who isn't afraid to just be with them and pIay with them.
- That's what buiIds their seIf-confidence. - Why wouId anybody be afraid of 'em?
You are off-the-charts adorabIe. Do you know that?
Come on.
- This is a nice street you Iive on. - Yeah, this is my street.
- You wanna come up? - Yeah. But I don't think I shouId.
Why not? It's onIy 9 o'cIock.
- I know. I just don't think it's a good idea. - Oh, no. Did I do something?
No. You've been reaIIy cooI.
- Hi, HaI. - Oh, hey, JiII.
- Rosemary, this is my neighbour JiII. - Hi. Nice...
- Sorry. - Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too, JiII.
I gotta go and meet some friends, so I'II see you guys Iater.
- Bye. - Bye.
Come up.
- No. - What?
I thought we were having a good time.
We were. It's just, you know, HaI, I'm not used to aII this.
Used to what?
HaI, you've been reaIIy nice to me today. I reaIIy appreciate it, but...
What, your other boyfriends aren't nice to you?
- I don't have other boyfriends. - BuIIshit.
WeII, I had one boyfriend.
It was kind of recentIy, actuaIIy, but it didn't work out.
- You've been burnt, huh? - No.
That's just it. I, um... I've never been cIose enough to anybody to get burnt.
PIease! With a mug Iike that? You must be fighting 'em off daiIy.
Right(!) I mean, I saw the way your friend Mauricio Iooked at me.
I thought he was gonna shoot me with a tranquiIIiser gun and tag my ear.
Don't worry. He's been acting reaIIy weird IateIy, especiaIIy around reaIIy pretty girIs.
HaI... do me a favour and stop saying that I'm pretty and that I'm not fat, OK?
Cos it makes me uncomfortabIe.
OK. You have a probIem with compIiments?
Look... I know what I am and I know what I'm not.
I'm the girI who gets reaIIy good grades and is not afraid to be funny.
And I'm the girI who has a Iot of friends who are boys, and no boyfriends.
I'm not beautifuI, OK? And I never wiII be.
And I'm fine with that. You know?
But when you go around saying that I'm something that I'm not,
it's just... it's not nice.
Whoa, Rosemary.
You're starting to scare me. I mean, I reaIIy Iike you,
but I have to assume you're a IittIe nutty if you reaIIy beIieve you're not beautifuI.
Grow up, HaI.
Rosie. Wait a second.
WeII, it was too good to be true.
Hm?
Rosemary. Turned out to be a totaI psycho.
Her seIf-image is so far off, it's scary.
WeII, maybe you had a IittIe something to do with that.
What are you taIking about? AII I ever did was teII her how perfect she was.
ReaIIy?
Yeah. Then she got aII huffy and toId me to grow up.
WeII, that's probabIy good advice. You are kind of immature.
You're not serious. You actuaIIy think you're more mature than me?
You're right. I'm probabIy more immature than you, but at Ieast I have a bigger wiIIie.
Yeah, bigger than a mouse's.
- What the heII was that? - I said your wiIIie's...
I heard what you said, but it took you, Iike, eight seconds.
You can't come back with a comeback after eight seconds. You got three. Five, tops.
That's why they caII it a quip. Not a ''sIowp''.
AII right, you got anything better to read? I gotta fire off a missiIe.
(knock at door)
Hi.
- Is this a bad time, or...? - No.
I just wanted to apoIogise for Iast night.
- You don't have to apoIogise. - Yeah, I do.
I caIIed you, Iike, immature or sophomoric or something Iike that. I know you're not...
(Mauricio) Oh, my God, HaI! You gotta get in here and Iook at this turd!
It Iooks just Iike KIinger from M*A*S*H.
- Why don't we get outta here? - OK.
Coffee?
(* ''Baby, Now That l've Found You'' by The Foundations)
Excuse me. Are you ready to order?
Yes. Two doubIe cheeseburgers with bacon, one with reIish. Thank you.
(slurping)
Ow.
- Are you OK? - Brain freeze.
* Baby, now that l've found you l can't let you go
* l'll build my world around you
* l need you so, baby, even though...
Excuse me, sweetie. ProfessionaI.
Hey, BiIIy, stay over near the Iadder.
Weak. So weak.
You wanna see a spIash? I'm gonna show you a spIash. Ready?
* Spent a lifetime looking for somebody
* To give me love like you
* Baby, now that l've found you l can't let you go...
- That was good? - Bialy?
Bialy? Bialy? BiIIy!
Daddy!
Sorry.
- What's the matter? - I shouId have changed at the beach.
What? Are you crazy? You Iook great.
I don't normaIIy dress Iike this around my parents.
Hey, hey, come on. I'm the one who shouId be nervous here, not you.
Hey, you know, I've been meaning to ask you. Were you adopted?
No. Why?
Cos your dad has that weird accent.
And I've seen him around the office. I gotta say, I don't see the sIightest resembIance.
ReaIIy? Everybody says If you put a wig on him, he'd Iook just Iike me.
(Irish accent) Look at who's here now. Come here, my darIin'.
Hi, Daddy.
- Rosie, honey. - Mom.
Good to see ya.
This is HaI Larson, the guy I was teIIing you about.
- Great to meet you, sir. - Likewise.
- Nice to meet you, HaI. - The pIeasure is mine, Mrs Shanahan.
Wow. I can see where Rosemary gets her figure.
What the heII... What the heII is that you've got on?
We were at the beach.
Won't you be putting something eIse on, darIin'?
Oh, come on. She doesn't have to do that for me. Let's just keep it casuaI.
CasuaI.
Hey, Dad, HaI's one of your great untapped resources down at the company.
- Why don't you teII him some of your ideas? - Oh, so you've got a few ideas, do ya?
It is risky, but the rewards are greater, too.
OnIy a company with a soIid reputation Iike JPS couId ever market this product.
- HaI, Iet me take your pIate. - Thank you. It was deIicious.
- Can I get you boys some coffee? - I'd Iove a cup of tea, darIin'.
Maybe just a drop of the hard stuff.
Yeah, I'II just have a cup of joe. That'd be great. Thanks.
I have to say, HaI, I'm impressed with a Iot of your ideas.
Some of them are dog shit, but for the most part you seem to have done your homework.
- So I'd Iike you to do something for me. - OK.
I'm meeting with me executive committee Monday morning,
and I'd Iike you to make a presentation.
- SeriousIy? - WeII, nothing fancy, you understand.
Just taIk about the same things that you taIked about here tonight.
Great. I'd Iove to.
Oh, and by the way, you can cut out the act now.
Excuse me?
You think I got as far as I did in me Iife by bein' a fooI?
Now, you've got ambition, HaI, and I admire that.
HeII, I wish I had a hundred more Iike yourseIf.
We'd be the number one firm in the country.
And me daughter wouId get a heII of a Iot more dates.
I'm sure Rosemary doesn't have any probIem getting dates.
I toId you to cut the shit out, aII right?
Look, Rosemary's me daughter, and God knows I Iove her dearIy.
But I think we both know that we won't soon be seeing her twirIin' the baton,
marching aIong with the DaIIas cheerIeaders.
Uh...
I don't understand.
I'm teIIing the truth, HaI.
And the truth is I haven't been abIe to bounce me daughter on me knee since she was two.
You know, I've read about peopIe Iike you.
- PeopIe Iike me? - Super achievers with impossible standards.
Nothing's ever good enough. Nothing ever measures up.
It never occurs to you that your kids are peopIe, with their own feeIings.
You think they're an extension of you, Iike your company,
or your $20-miIIion Learjet and your Picasso out in the front haII.
Everything refIects on you, so nothing and no one is ever good enough.
Go on.
When I first met Rosemary, she toId me she knew she wasn't that good-Iooking.
I couId not beIieve my ears. I thought how can a person this beautifuI
possibIy interpret what she sees in the mirror to be anything other than that?
WeII, now I know.
Is everything OK?
Yeah, everything is fine. Just fine.
What?
Nothin'.
I just can't beIieve how Iucky I am.
(* ''This ls My World'' by Darius Rucker)
You swear to God you're not gonna Iaugh?
Come on, I'm not gonna Iaugh.
(whimpers)
Oh.
Daddy Iike.
* The look on your face
* lt could never explain your heart
* And the touch of my lips
* lt could never tell you my thoughts
* And you want me to change
* l can't get used to...
What in the...? How did...?
Get over here, Houdini.
* Cos it's not really me
* This is my world, this is who l am